Totally Fake News Here
Mon Sep 03 2018
PHILADELPHIA, PA - The wait is almost over. The long nightmare of the off season is finally ending! The 99th NFL season kicks off at 8:20PM on September 6th in Philadelphia. The very same city that proved once and for all that Tom Brady is a sore loser, will be host to the first game of the season. Millions and millions of fans have got their Buffalo wing, their foam fingers, their cheap beer, their chips, their favorite player's jersey; all the things necessary for the start of a new season!
One this is for sure... No matter what it is about the NFL that gets you excited, you will be disappointed. Your team will get made fun of. The refs will make bad calls. Your favorite player will get injured and screw up your football pool. The head coach for your favorite team will make bonehead decisions. Tom Brady will continue to win games in the 4th quarter whether you think they deserve it or not. No matter how hard you pray and stick to your superstitions, your team is going to lose at least one game. Probably way more than that. You are going to get ridiculed by your friends because you suck at Fantasy Football. You're going to miss the biggest game of the season because your mother in law has her 90th birthday that day. You are going to lose more money than you can afford on that game that was a sure thing, then get beaten up by your bookie when you can't settle up.
There are going to be new rules in place where certain types of tackles or blocks are not allowed. There will be cases when a player clearly caught the ball, but some obscure rule says that it is not a catch. With all of the things that can go right in a season, history has shown the world that pretty much never happens. As Tom Brady once learned, you can have a perfect season and lose the Super Bowl to Eli Manning.
Of course, the biggest question in this week's opening game is who the starting quarterback is going to be. We here at TFN have done the research and we have found the inside information. We have determined without question that Matt Ryan will be starting for the Falcons. You're welcome.
Editor's note: Sorry for picking on Tom Brady. No I'm not. Screw that guy. I'm still pissed about that year he got injured on the first play of the game and hosed my Fantasy Football for the entire year.
Man receives actual phone call
New Film Shows All About the Moon Landing
The Fabricated National Emergency